Ansel Yaley Photography

Photo Essay

 During this COVID 19 global pandemic, I sometimes feel like I am dreaming as I am living day by day. The reality I live in right now was an irrational anxiety nightmare that has come to fruition. The normalcy that I was used to for the past 21 years of my life was taken away by a cause of reality, but my brain can only picture this as the unreal. My anxiety skyrockets with this idea that I am living in a world where I can control almost nothing. A lack of control within a situation just reminds me of a panic attack happening over and over again until I accept my helpless fate. There is a consistent overbearing fear that I will not calm down, and that my mind is beginning to control my entire body without my consent. As an extrovert, I thrive off other peoples energy and actions. It's petrifying to live in a world where this is unattainable, and to theorize that this is the norm that I have to begin to deal with. Depression sinks in when I least expect it, thus creating a sort of darkness in me that I refuse to acknowledge. Once I do recognize this lack of light, it is too late for immediate action. I can only bring myself to sit and wallow in what is and what could have been. The most terrifying part is not knowing when this series of dreams will end. What I want is to be shaken awake to the reality I once knew and didn't appreciate as much as I should have. I want my stomach to drop so hard that I am pushed completely upright in my bed, and awoken in a sweat from the deep fears created in my mind. Once the sweat turns cold, and I look around to see where I am, I could finally forget this bad dream even happened.